i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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