This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
