Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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