So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
