I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
