Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
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