I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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