so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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