Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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