You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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