the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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