Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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