Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
