just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
