How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
