Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
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