she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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