i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
