There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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