I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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