Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Randomize
