is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
