Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
