I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
He better not be in your backpack
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
