I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
