I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
