Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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