I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Randomize
