Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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