He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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