You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
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