i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
