2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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