she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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