Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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