This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
you made out with another girl for some wings
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
