theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
