Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
