It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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