I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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