That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
