quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
