i just snorted my name. best moment ever
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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