The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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