The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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