how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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