so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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