Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
