since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Randomize
