the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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