I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
